An Irony of Being Me

They say life isn’t fair. Well yes I know that. So all of you here should feel blessed and be thankful. You know I want to make this speech inspirational or somewhat funny but I can’t seem to have that positive thing this time around.

                        Let’s go to the main topic of this speech. I hate myself. Why? Discrimination, expectation, being judged, being bullied. Maybe some of what I’ve said is just normal but having all of these at the same time and still happening, could that be normal? My parents love me so much, so much that I love them too more than my life. Raised religiously, I also learn to love the one who give me life, God. But as I grew up, questions sprout one by one on my young mind. Questions that are far too different from other kid’s questions. “Hey why are you always with the girls?” “Hey why are you wearing those fancy accessories?” “Hey why are you shaking your hips whenever you walk?” “Oh! Do you really like ‘HIM’? Ah, you’re gay.” Gay. They say I’m a gay. At first it didn’t bother me since I don’t know what is being gay and I know I’m just acting of who I really am but as time pass by, the real harsh world uncovers its face upon me. A day won’t last without me being bullied just because I’m gay, different, alien, abnormal, sinner. They all say that. Pretty good childhood huh? Well, life isn’t finished adding some spice. I’m the only son, and the only grandson of our happy big family which means that I’m the only one carrier of my family name so they expect me to continue it. Another thing, my grandfather is the Barangay Captain. He succeeded and barangay people loved. So, they look forward for my grandfathers’ next generation of leader. Mix all of these and the finished potion is what they call hatred. Not for God, for you or for anyone else. It’s for me. I hate everything about me. The mere fact that I want to be normal in God’s eyes and in everyone’s eyes. The mere fact that I don’t want my parents got ashamed of me just because of who I really am. The mere fact that I want to reach others expectation about me for the sake of my family honor. The mere fact that I don’t want others to have sinned because of me just because I am gay because they bully me. And, the mere fact that I want to be happy. Happy because I am myself, I am accepted and experiencing normal life.

                        I don’t suggest suicidal attempt for those who are thinking how hard it is being me. In the first place, I still love life, even if it’s the one who are giving reasons for me to hate it. It is because I love God, my parents who loved me unconditionally, my friends and the ones who loves me. It’s just that I hate myself but I love life. Confusing? Well that’s an irony of being me.